true self, false self

In the world of spiritual formation, there is a lot of talk about true self/false self. The false self is what we put up to be accepted and valued by others. It can develop in a lot of ways. Richard Rohr says most people spend the first 35 years of their lives building up the false self and then at that point, there is some sort of a crisis that forces them to either live in defense of their false self or (preferably) to begin a journey in which they leave the false self and become their true self. Our true selves are who we are made to be, not who we become by virtue of our self-protective defenses.

This is an interesting question when it comes to the differences between men and women. When many men hear this, they think about the big ego they have put up to protect themselves and the hard wall of impenetrability. But women are usually different. My good friend Gwen has written an entire dissertation on this (someday it will be a book!) but I wanted to write about my confrontation with my true self recently which hopefully illuminates a female perspective on this issue.

When I was in high school, I spent hours up at my friend Russ and Yvonne's house. It is a tiny house nestled by beautiful hills that slope up to Mt Diablo and it is where Russ grew up. I would sit with them for hours with their kids running all around us and talk theology (though I wouldn't have called it that then). We all shared a deep love for Jesus and a deep suspicion of the church and this angst gave rise to lots of good discussion.

Well, I moved to Europe, got married and had babies and we have hardly seen each other in the past few years and I haven't been up to their house in maybe 10 years. On Wednesday I had an appointment at my new church in Clayton and so Yvonne and I got together afterwards. I went out to their house and we had another of our good chats. Russ came home about half way through and after sitting down, he got right to the point of my big shift since I've seen him... being a pastor.

I know Russ well enough to know that he and I probably have some differing views on the Bible and probably on the ordination of women so I was a little defensive. And here comes the false self... I was all apologetic, saying what a surprise it was to me of all people who had never sought this position which is true in one sense. But Russ, ever the truth-teller, looked at me and said, "Jenny, you've always pushed the envelope. I'm not surprised at all. A lot of people feel like they have to become a "nice" Christian when they follow Jesus but I think you just keep becoming more and more of who you truly are."

It's been almost a week now and his comment keep coming back to me. It is both encouraging and condemning. It is encouraging because he is right and despite what others may assume of me, I have always been an edge-dweller when it comes to theology and practice... willing to explore the boundaries, finding Jesus ever present there and not afraid of falling off some proverbial cliff into heretical thought.

But it is also condemning because I do hide behind this "I'm just an ex-fundamentalist who somehow fell into this pastoring/theology gig and I don't know how in the world it ever happened to me" false self. That has been formed in response to the expectations of women in many of the institutions I have been. It has allowed me to remain in neutral silence when I probably should speak. It has protected me from risking hurt in institutions that still struggle with patriarchy. And what is more... I have believed this to be my true self.

I think this is true of many women, particularly in churches. We are taught that we should be demure and quiet and we build up a false self around that expectation. Many of us have been denied a voice or not shown what it's like for a woman to express her true self. I don't mean that we are then loud and abrasive but sometimes it may seem that way as we begin to find our way back.

So, this is part of my hope for this next year of internship and as I emerge from 9 years of kids at home... to risk my true self and to trust God to be present there. For SHE-who-is certainly is NOT in the false self that denies who I am and hides behind the assumed expectations of others.

"I believe that we have no real access to who we really are except in God. Only when we rest in God can we find the safety, the spaciousness, and the scary freedom to be who we are, all that we are, more than we are, and less than we are... All other systems exclude, expel, punish and protect to find identity for their members in ideological perfection or some kind of "purity." Richard Rohr Everything Belongs