Thursday, October 23, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
faith, change and grief
Over the past 20 years of my life, I have changed very little. If you had shown people a photograph of me at 37 when I was 17, most people would have shown little surprise. Nice, clean cut husband, cute kids, in church every Sunday. This was all expected. Even my journey to this point on paper would have raised few eyebrows. A Christian college education, 2.5 years as a missionary, a virgin on my wedding day, stay-at-home mom for my kids when they were infants and toddlers. This was the script and these were the expectations. And I have chosen gladly to do these things and am so thankful for the life I've had.
On the other hand...
Over the past 20 years of my life, I have changed A LOT. If you had told someone that I would be a Presbyterian and even more shocking, almost a Presbyterian minister, it would have been unthinkable for me at 17. I couldn't have even told you what being Presbyterian meant. I guess I could have changed more... I could have started using drugs and abusing alcohol and spending my nights with lots of different people. Yes, that would have been a big change. But for me the changes were in my approach to life, to theology, to the Bible and to Jesus. Somewhere in the last 20 years, I slowly crept over many of the lines that had been drawn for me between conservative and liberal, evangelical and mainline. The funny thing is it happened so slowly. It was always a case of me EMBRACING God, life, theology, the Bible and Jesus even more deeply, not less.
And so it surprises me sometimes that I have lost friendships because of these changes. It surprises me that others aren't supporting me without reserve. It surprises me when people don't see the continuum of love for God and desire to bless the world that has run through the last 20 years and brought me to this point. But the reality is many don't. Though I know how much I've changed and I'm well aware of how that might be threatening to those that have not made the same changes, it is still a surprise.
Some days, I take it all lightly. "I understand," I say. "I know how it must seem to them."
Other days, I am shocked, saddened and spend days, weeks, months, years grieving the lost closeness, the relationships that have been and are so important to me.
And on other days, I am hurt by the way others' beliefs exclude me. It hurts that to some, I would no longer be even a follower of Christ.
Part of me wants to stop being surprised. It would hurt a lot less. But the surprise reminds me again and again that inasmuch as I've "left" anything, it has only been a journey closer to home and closer to God. It reminds me of how deeply I still love and cherish the people, places and circumstances of my life even if I can never go back. And I hope I am learning to be thankful for all that has been and carry it with me into what will be.
On the other hand...
Over the past 20 years of my life, I have changed A LOT. If you had told someone that I would be a Presbyterian and even more shocking, almost a Presbyterian minister, it would have been unthinkable for me at 17. I couldn't have even told you what being Presbyterian meant. I guess I could have changed more... I could have started using drugs and abusing alcohol and spending my nights with lots of different people. Yes, that would have been a big change. But for me the changes were in my approach to life, to theology, to the Bible and to Jesus. Somewhere in the last 20 years, I slowly crept over many of the lines that had been drawn for me between conservative and liberal, evangelical and mainline. The funny thing is it happened so slowly. It was always a case of me EMBRACING God, life, theology, the Bible and Jesus even more deeply, not less.
And so it surprises me sometimes that I have lost friendships because of these changes. It surprises me that others aren't supporting me without reserve. It surprises me when people don't see the continuum of love for God and desire to bless the world that has run through the last 20 years and brought me to this point. But the reality is many don't. Though I know how much I've changed and I'm well aware of how that might be threatening to those that have not made the same changes, it is still a surprise.
Some days, I take it all lightly. "I understand," I say. "I know how it must seem to them."
Other days, I am shocked, saddened and spend days, weeks, months, years grieving the lost closeness, the relationships that have been and are so important to me.
And on other days, I am hurt by the way others' beliefs exclude me. It hurts that to some, I would no longer be even a follower of Christ.
Part of me wants to stop being surprised. It would hurt a lot less. But the surprise reminds me again and again that inasmuch as I've "left" anything, it has only been a journey closer to home and closer to God. It reminds me of how deeply I still love and cherish the people, places and circumstances of my life even if I can never go back. And I hope I am learning to be thankful for all that has been and carry it with me into what will be.
And the people who love me still ask me,
"When are you coming back to town?"
And I answer, quite frankly,
"When they stop building roads
and there ain't no more highways to be found...
and all God needs is gravity to hold me down."
Alison Krauss, "Gravity"
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